A Message for My Daughters: Fitting In

My seven-year-old daughter, Dani, wanted to talk to me after school yesterday.  Dani told me she asked some girls if she could play with them at recess and they wouldn’t let her.  They asked her to do a gymnastics trick to get into their group, which she did, and they still didn’t want to play with her.

While Dani can be quite a willful child herself, this story just made me sad.  She wanted me to fix it and I couldn’t.  I know she’ll be OK.  She even made another friend yesterday.

But, I also know it will not get easier in the years to come.  There will be more groups.  More popularity contests.  More peer pressure to be a certain way.

What I Want my Daughters to Know:

Be confident.  You are beautiful!  You’re amazing!  I love you and will always love you, unconditionally.  Never give away who you are to be accepted.  It’s better not to fit in.

Other girls won’t always be nice.  Don’t waste your days wondering why.  Don’t become one of them.  Be kind to others.  Be considerate and helpful.  Pray to find good friends.  Seek out the girl who is sitting alone at the lunch table.  Sit by her.  Include her.

Be nice to each other.  A sister is a gift.  I so wanted a sister when I was your age.  But now I’ve been blessed with you.  Cherish each other.  Become best friends.  Tell secrets.  Laugh and cry together.  Don’t get offended. 

Always remember you are of infinite worth.   

Your Mom

Now quit fighting, clean your room, and stay away from boys.

Grateful Mom Goal:  Teach my girls confidence and kindness.

Comments

  1. Amazing! She has a great Mama!

  2. Michelle says:

    I love this! It's beautifully written. It's so important for kids to not lose themselves just to fit in. It does hurt seeing our kids not "accepted" by other kids though, doesn't it?

  3. My daughter is only 4 and will start pre-K this August, but I've seen several times on playgrounds how upset she can get when she asks someone to be her friend and they ignore her or say no. It breaks my heart. I want to teach her these very same things!

  4. m&msmommy says:

    Normally your posts make me laugh when I need it. Today, I needed this post! My son (5 years old) started summer camp on Monday and it has been 3 days of kids (he's one of the youngest) being just plain mean to him and it breaks my heart. (I litereally cried the first day when he told me). I know they are just being older boys, and that's "just how kids are" (although I disagree! Who raises these children!??!?!?!) He asked them if he could play hide and seek with them and they said, "No, you're not a school ager!" UGH, I can barely type that without crying! πŸ™ But, being the amazing little boy he is, when we asked him if he wanted to go back to his preschool class (where all of his "old friends' are-it's all at the same location) he said, "No!" I'm sure sometimes he is the mean one (no child is perfect), but when it's your child being treated meanly, it's SO hard! Thankfully he is making new friends. Why does there always have to be mean ones???? And like you said, its' only going to get worst as they get older! I'm not sure I'm cut out for all of this! πŸ˜‰

    *Sorry for the super long comment! :)*

  5. I'm so sorry to hear that you daughter had to deal with those other girls. It seriously sucks and it is not the way Life should be, especially for children (in my opinion).

    This was a fantastic post. I hope you're able to teach your daughters these things and they not only listen to your wisdom but actually put it into action πŸ™‚

  6. Rochelle@AFamilyofLooneys says:

    I hurt for her. Girls can be so mean at times. You are a wonderful Mom. She is so blessed to have you.

  7. Amanda @ Gratefully Growing in Grace says:

    This made me cry a little. I so dread when my children will learn the cruelty of the world and exit their safe, innocent bubbles. What you are teaching your daughters is beautiful and oh, so right. Mean girls are everywhere from preschool to the nursing home and all we can do is learn how to live with them, showing God's grace.

  8. GrumpyJaxMomOf3 says:

    You are such an amazing mom. Your girls are lucky to have you!! In fact I think I'm pretty lucky to know you. It seems you continue to teach me things each and every day through your posts… mostly it's not to get so upset, but this one is really hard for me. With 3 girls it can be a challenge. Isn't it so sad that this starts in elementary school πŸ™

  9. We 2 Bees says:

    That was so wonderfully written! I can't believe how early it starts and why do girls have to be so mean. I've had this same conversation with my 9 year old. And it just makes me sad. We try to teach our girls to be kind, include everyone and be the best they can be and then other children come and mess that up. So sad! It's awesome that she has such an amazing mom and you are doing everything you can to comfort her through this time!

  10. It makes me so sad that kids have to go through things like this at such a young age.

  11. Totally going to blame this on the post-pregnancy hormones, that reading that brought tears to my eyes. It's not easy being a girl. I think I'll steal your words of wisdom to your daughter and share them with mine. Thanks for sharing your wishes for your girls!

  12. Well said!

    Abbie

  13. Its so hard πŸ™ I want my girls to never have to deal with all that. But it will happen, has happend & I too hope I've helped them build enough confidence to not let it get to them πŸ˜€

  14. Help! Mama Remote... says:

    How mean of them. I tell my daughter all the time…the fit in group is not the group to be in. All followers and no leaders. You're doing the ght thing to instill those values in her. As she matures she'll be glad they didn't want to be her friend.

  15. Mom of 12 says:

    I love this post! Every girl needs to hear that while they are growing up and often. I am always giving the "inclusion" lecture around here. I hope my kids are always nice to everyone.
    Sandy

  16. You made me cry, I have daughters too and that makes me sad!!
    Mean girls SUCK!! Move on Dani and start your own group with girls that accept everyone! Amen sister πŸ˜‰

  17. You made me tear up! Girls can be vicious! She is so lucky to have such a fantastic mommy. We could put an end to bullying if all parents were like you. Just need to teach our children love and self esteem!

  18. Wel said! My children are all in their 20s now but it was tough and I can't begin to imagine how hard it is these days. I have a niece who went to a small Episcopal school and went through a real rough time when some mean girls she thought were her friends turned on her.
    You are a great Mom and having a sister really does help. It's wonderful that she talks to you about this – having a great supportive family will make a big difference!

  19. Great post! Unfortunately, with girls it never gets easier. They are so mean! You handled it beautifully. This is my favourite line to my daughter: it's not your issue, it's THEIRS. Not sure if that's good or bad, but it makes me sounds like I know what I'm doing.

  20. Karen Greenberg says:

    I love your advice, and I really think this issue is one of the hardest I've head to deal with as a mom. I want to fix it for my girls every time they come home and say they've been left out. Like you say, though, it is better to be left out than to give up who you are to please someone else. I can't FORCE the other girls to play with mine. I just hope one day they will find their own group to belong to. Until then, I hope they know, like you said, that I love them just the way they are!

  21. laci512 says:

    That nearly brought me to tears! Girls can be mean! I think it is worse now than when I was younger. What beautiful words for your daughter. I hope that she will always remember those words and listen to her mom's advise. I chuckle as I type that because I have a teen daughter who thinks I am the enemy at least once a day…oh how I remember those days with my mom.

  22. LOVE THIS! You are truly an inspired MOM!

  23. What a gorgeous post!! You are such a great mom! I hate that the mean girl thing starts so early. Luckily she has you to help guide her! Thanks again for a great post, and thanks to the other ladies for such great comments!

  24. Sandra's Fiberworks says:

    I was dumbfounded this year to see how early peer pressure sets in, with y son who is only in first grade. I would wind up buying him things like bay blades and Pokemon cards because he'd come home in tears (I have a post about that somehwere…) because he was left out, the only one with nothing to "trade" with his friends at recess. WHere will it go from here?

  25. JennyLynn says:

    Girls can be so mean to each other. Not only have a seen it happen with my girls. But since I work at a school, I have seen it happen. Wish I could say that it would get better with age. But, beware of Jr.High and High school with all those hormones raging it seems to be the time when the claws come out and stay out.

  26. Making It Work Mom says:

    It is hard being a girl! I have an 11 year old and a 5 year old daughter and I hate what they have to go through.

    Luckily my oldest has been able to negotiate the tween years pretty well so far. She seems to have avoided being too cliquey, but I know things can change in an instant.

    Keep on teaching your daughter all those positive things, Momma!

  27. I loved your letter to your daughter. May I have permission to use it in some kind of wall art? I would love my daughters, three of them with another on the way, to be able to read this daily. Very beautiful.

  28. Crystal Escobar says:

    Aw, that was so beautifully said. Loved it! Makes me sad that this is the way life is and that my daughter will soon be entering into that world of popularity contests and groups. I hate that, but I sure did love what you had to say about it πŸ™‚

  29. Great letter to your daughter. I really despise bullying and I'm sorry that your daughter is having to deal with that already. Your advice to her is excellent.

  30. Grumpy Grateful Mom says:

    Thank you for the kind comments everyone! Radel, you are welcome to use it for your daughters. I read this to my girls yesterday morning. Dani seemed to listen…a little. Evie's response was, "OK Mom, can I go have breakfast now." πŸ™‚

  31. An Irish Italian Blessing says:

    You are such a wondeful mama, that is perfect advice! Your kids are so lucky to have you. I wish I had gotten some advice like that when I was a little girl : )

  32. Kim @ Mamas Monologues says:

    Hi, new here! I'm so sad that our kids have to go through this. My son was dealing with this same nonsense a few weeks ago too. It breaks my heart as a mom that I can't step in and make everything right in their world again.

  33. Such a sweet message, I hope my girls will learn these lesson we try to teach them…

  34. Charlotte says:

    Good luck. It breaks my heart when my children go through these things. I've always felt I'd rather my kids be the picked on/excluded ones instead of the picking on/excluding ones.

  35. Life by Cynthia says:

    Such a beautiful lesson you are teaching your daughters. I love this post. Thank you for sharing.

  36. There are "mean girls" no matter what age we are. I hate that your daughter is learning that already, and I dread the day it's my daughter's turn. I can steal your script, right?? =>

  37. Ugh, that is so heartbreaking. I know in the end your girls will be the ones with the real lasting friendships. The other girls will be constantly trading up for the next coolest kid. Still doesn't really ease the pain of right now. πŸ™

  38. Samantha says:

    How we wish as parents that we could take away all of the hurt and pain from our kids. What a beautifully written post, and what wonderful advice that you've given to your daughter. You have provided her with what she needs – unconditional love and knowing that she has the support of her mother and family. She'll be fine. Thanks for this post.

  39. I love it, Janae! That is the message I want to send to my daughters too. Thanks for putting it into such wonderful words.

  40. Laura@livingabigstory says:

    You are amazing … thx! I think this is a lesson even nearly 39 y/o struggle with at times.

  41. thingsthatkeepmesane.com says:

    These are the exact things I tell my daughters! I'm SO jealous that they have each other. I always wanted a sister! I heard it starts getting pretty mean in the 1st grade, I'm in for a fun year!

  42. Great message to your girls! I’ll pass it along to mine one day πŸ™‚

  43. I love this, great advice. My daughter (she’s 10) deals with this a lot. She’s very emotional and an overachiever and lets it bother her. I wish I could make it better for her, but all I can do is be there for her. It’s hard. I remember going through the same things and it sucks. Why do people have to be so mean to each other?

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